I AM A TRIANGLE

For some reason I have just felt off kilter the last few weeks.

I saw a quote posted by a friend on Facebook last week, and it really struck a chord with me.

It was from this quote that I had a comment from a friend that directed me to a blog that explained perfectly the way I was feeling.  I am glad it is just not me that feels this way.  I thought the original quote had an impact; well this article had a real profound effect on me.  It actually made me cry.  To think that I don’t belong in Australia anymore (it will always be home-but not really), and I will never truly be a Kenyan (even though I hope to become a citizen one day), I find that I am this in-between person, who really doesn’t belong anywhere.  Some people would think that this would be cool, an adventure, but for some reason it has upset me.  I have had a week to digest this and think about it though, and I have come to the conclusion that sometimes it is the hard things in life that make us the person we are today.  I chose this life, I am healthy, I have a roof over my head and I have my bundle of furry joy, which I spend 18 hours a day with.  There are worse things than being a triangle and I am warming to the idea.  Slowly.

I feel like I do have two lives and two personalities.

I am an introvert in Kenya, with very few close friends, and few people who really KNOW me.  You see and hear things here, that would be unheard of back in Australia or any Western Country.

And then in Australia I am an extrovert surrounded by people who love me and have known me for decades with the countries own positives and negatives that are hard sometimes to explain here. 

They are two very different lives and I can honestly say I am not sure if one is better than another.

It is a reality that we are forever changed from our experience of living abroad, for me I am coming onto FIVE years living here in Kenya and then in my case travelling our wonderful world for 668 days prior to that, I have not lived in Australia for nearly EIGHT years!!!!!

One has to expect to be changed and ‘different’.

Below are some excerpts from the blog in question with the link to read the whole article. I have also mixed in some excerpts from her mother’s blog which the link is also listed below.

http://naomihattaway.com/2013/09/i-am-a-triangle-and-other-thoughts-on-repatriation/

http://ministry2kenya.blogspot.co.ke/2013/10/12-years-in-kenya-i-am-triangle.html

It’s a piece of my life that I keep to myself unless I know the person I’m sharing it with will understand.

In the past, the best way I knew how to describe this vague and uncomfortable feeling, was to liken it to arriving in the middle of a conversation. I don’t quite know what’s already been said in my absence and I don’t quite know what my contribution to the conversation should or could be.

Or… do I even I fit into the conversation? Will what I have to say make any sense?

I don’t know who I am or what my role is when I’m back. During each of my field-stays (my time in Kenya), my friends and family back home inevitably experienced things that I missed out on.  And, of course, they likewise have not experienced the things I experienced while I was in Kenya. It can be hard to connect like we used to, almost like there’s some kind of invisible barrier.

For every one year that I’m away in Kenya, it’s as if two years have passed between me and my friends or family members. During each other’s absence, we have both been growing and maturing – often in different directions. This factor is like doubling my time away… and our time apart from one another.

I found it to be quite profound.

I share it with you, in the hopes that you’ll get a glimpse into my reality. Please read through it slowly so you can adequately absorb the concepts. Allow the simple illustrations to enhance my words.

It’s not just a thesis; it describes me.

Imagine a place called Circle Country. Everyone who lives inside of its borders are Circle Citizens. The Circle Country has very specific culture, holidays, celebrations, food preferences, a language that is unique to them as well as music, education and political categories.   People living in Circle Country are Circles.  Even though each and every circle is slightly different, with their own personalities and nuances….they all function and think entirely according to their Circle Culture.  This Circle Culture has a subtle influence over how every Circle behaves and thinks about a variety of issues.  Generally speaking, there are certain norms to which all Circles ascribe.  The influence of Circle Culture begins from the moment a baby Circle is born. 

Let’s also talk about Square Society.  Everyone who lives inside of its borders are Square Settlers.  The Square Society also has the culture, holidays, celebrations, food preferences (and on and on) as the Circle Country, but they are completely different.  If a Circle gets on a plane and flies to Square Country to live, she will land in the midst of Square people. All of these Squares function entirely according to their Square Culture. And just like the Circle Culture influences all Circles, so the Square Culture influences all Squares beginning at birth.  It cannot be stated strongly enough that these two cultures are vastly different from one another. Simply stated - and forgive my being redundant - one is a Circle Culture and the other is a Square Culture. In one, all the people are yellow. In the other, all the people are blue.

While the Circle person lives in the midst of Square people, she may adapt to a degree. She may come to value and admire some of the practices and attitudes of the Squares and their Square Culture. Circle person may experience a certain level of comfort living in Square Country and some things may rub off on her. But she won’t ever quite fully absorb the culture of Square Country. As much as Circle person may eventually feel like she fits in…. she simply will never truly belong. She will never truly be a Square; she is, after all, a Circle. 

The normal circle things start to blend together with the new square culture. The major holidays in Circle Country might dissipate a bit to allow for the celebration of Square festivals.  Favorite comfort foods that remind her of Circle Country give way to the acceptance of new Square foods.  The Circle culture never quite gives way to the new Square norms and at the same time doesn’t go away completely either.  However, by living within Square Country and while surrounded and influenced by Squares, Circle person will lose a bit of being a Circle. It happens subtly and over a period of time, as she embraces some of Square Culture. It’s very imperceptible, but in her heart, she realizes more and more that she’s not as yellow as she used to be.

Now not quite 100% a Circle and certainly not a Square, she will live life in the ‘in-between’. 

These cultural issues, distinctions, and norms would include such things as:

·         perspectives on birth, birth order, and the circle of life

·         their take on dying and death

·         views about the world

·         whether or not the culture is based on Honor/Shame, Truth/Guilt, or Power/Fear

·         attitudes toward conflict resolution

·         simple things like food preferences and celebration of holidays

·         styles of greeting one another

·         proper ways to leave someone’s home

·         concepts about money and the sharing of resources

·         philosophies on time-management and time-keeping

·         beliefs regarding the role of women in society and the treatment of the elderly

·         attitudes and behavior toward the poor and needy

·         outlooks on changing ones environment verses allowing nature and fate to take its course

·         whether or not there exists a culture of reading or a general curiosity about the world

·         how God interacts with mankind

·         distinctions between a society based on community and one that applauds and favors the individual

·         matriarchal or a patriarchal society

He or she slowly – and seemingly unconsciously – evolves into something completely different.

The transformation to a Triangle Tenant begins. 

Being a Triangle means you have some of your original Circle culture mixed with some of your newly adopted Square culture.  You are no longer 100% Circle, but you’ll never again be 100% Square. You are left – almost hanging – somewhere in the middle.  It will be as if she has transformed into a Triangle Person. She has undergone a metamorphosis, deep down inside.

Her shape and her color have evolved into a different shape and color. She has the tints of her two life experiences – yellow and blue – but they have now become green.

She’s different.

Without knowing it, she slowly and unconsciously changed by living in that different country – Square Country – and by being surrounded by a different environment with a different culture – Square Culture. She slowly realizes she has a mixture of the two worldviews and other cultural distinctions. She has shared life and many Square experiences with Squares. She has created a history within Square Country.

But it’s not a bad thing. It seems very natural and okay to her.

Now, imagine that after some time, this Triangle Tenant hops on yet another plane and returns to Circle Country.  This Triangle doesn’t revert to the previous Circle status just because repatriation has happened and he has landed home. This Triangle remains forever a Triangle.

She will always be a Triangle.

This is me.

I am a Triangle person.

When I’m in Circle Country, I am a Triangle.

And when I’m in Square Country, I am a Triangle.

No matter where I am, I will always feel like I’m different.
I will always feel like there’s some sort of dis-connect.

It is what it is.

And it’s okay. I have accepted it.

Now things are awkward. Everything seems different. Sometimes she finds it to be really hard.  She wasn’t expecting this. 

However, it’s inevitable. It is simply the nature of the beast.

Now she’s somewhere in the middle, not fully a Circle anymore, and not a Square either. She lives and exists in the in-between.

She realizes and comes to accept that she is – and will always be – a Triangle. 

She will always live in-between two countries, two cultures, and two shapes of people.