THE MERRY-GO-ROUND OF EXPAT FRIENDSHIPS-IT’S A TOUGH WORLD

There is so much that goes on when you become an expat.  I have mentioned many times before, when I decided to pack my bags and move to Kenya, the one thing I really didn’t think about was the turnover of people and friends that would occur in my life.  It was the first time that I had lived out of Australia, so I had no idea how things really worked.   When I make a friend, a good friend, that person was going to be in my life, one way or another.  I am THAT type of person, loyal to the core.  Oh yes, I had travelled the world for 20 months prior to this move, but experiencing the world as a traveler and one as an expat are entirely different ideals.  I guess there is some similarity, as you spend so much close time with your travelling companions on a tour, when the tour ends, they head home, and I was the one left to just ‘keep on travelling’ onto my next tour and my next tour group.  Those friendships and those goodbyes could be hard at times, especially on the longer trips, as you live in each other’s pockets, 18 hours a day, 7 days a week and sometimes in challenging circumstances.  If you haven’t killed someone on a 2 month trip it is a pretty good sign that there is a basis for a long lasting friendship there!   I should have been more prepared actually, now that I think about it. 

I plan on living in Kenya for ‘life’.  So it really never occurred to me, that there were people out there who would NOT feel the same as me.  Quite naive, really now that I think about it, but you learn about these things along the way.  My first year in Kenya was tough as I said good-bye to my very two first friends I ever met here, then the second year I was defriended by two separate friendships, which was a blow to me personally, and then my third year was one of the hardest years, as there was a mass exodus of friends leaving Kenya, either heading back to their homeland or new contracts in exciting new places.  There are always tears, promises of visits and the final farewells which ALWAYS suck.  Seeing your expat friends leave town and being the “expat left behind” can be rather challenging, seeing my fellow expat friends who used to be in my surroundings leave, while I’m remaining.  Almost all expats have had the experience of good friends leaving, unless of course, you happen to be the one to leave first.  As I head into my 4th year as a Kenyan expat, living in the same place, with no plans of departure, it is highlighted that I AM that expat who is left behind and will ALWAYS be the one left behind until my ripe old age here in Kenya. 

Watching your friends leave is a very hard process. But just because your friends are leaving town does not mean that your life as an expat is suddenly going to become horrible and lonely.  It’s just going to be different and you need to learn to adapt and embrace these changes and new opportunities.  It takes effort and time, but it is not impossible.  When I first moved here, I knew nobody, I had no car and it seemed all the functions and people that I WAS meeting lived the other side of town.  In the beginning, I was paying for my 50USD taxis (return trip) to attend social events and meeting people.  On top of that I was paying for dinner and drinks, it worked out to be a lot of money to be spending 2-3 times a week.  It got to a point where I wouldn’t go and meet people that were ‘short termers’.   People on a short term contract, it was like an investment in a friendship, and I had to work out if it was worth my time and money to meet people who would not be here in 3 or 6 months time.  My very FIRST expat friend Katie and I had the same sentiments at the time, asking “what’s the point of even making friends?”  I’m happy to report that I am not like that now, and with my friend Katie now back in the UK, I wouldn’t have traded any of my experiences with friendships, even with short termers, for anything.  For one thing, I am a better person for the experience of knowing these people. But more importantly, it would have gone against one of my basic beliefs which is to experience life as fully as possible.

Being the expat left behind comes with its own share of responsibilities.  Losing anyone, whether it be a death, a breakup in a relationship, or someone leaving town, is always hard to deal with and can seem to leave a bit of a gap for some time.  What I have learned is to give myself a bit of time to feel bad about it.  Life does goes on and I have learnt to pick up the pieces, cherish the time I had with these friends, and then go out and make new memories with other people. No one can replace people’s places in our lives, but there is certainly room enough to let in any other great ones who leave a new important spot in our lives.  I’m in that transition period now, and I still need to make that effort, which this year will be something I will need to actively pursue.  

I always try and turn what seems as a negative process into a positive one.  One of the best things about being an expat is the friendships that you do form with other expats.  It is like a double edged sword.  The one thing that you find tough is the one thing that also enhances your life.  What I am finding is that unfortunately, many of these relationships don’t seem to last once their (or their spouses) contract has been completed.  And I have asked myself this in the last 18 months, it’s something I’ve really given a lot of thought into having experienced it a dozen or so times so far.  Why is this? Expat friendships form fast.  Imagine feeling isolated in a foreign country, everything is different, you’re homesick, when suddenly you meet someone who looks like you, acts like you, and misses the same things as you.  Of course, you’re going to be friends.  You travel together, you navigate your new surroundings together, and you drink and lunch together.  It doesn’t matter if you don’t really have much in common (or you do) – all that matters is that you are both in the same place at the same time.  Being abroad is the ultimate shared experience that bonds people.   Friendships made can be very quick to form, but looking back, and history showing, I ask myself were almost all of these friendships just a one of convenience?  We were in the same place at the same time, and happened to get along well enough to help each other?  It’s the nature of the expat life; you need other people to help you, so you are willing to cut straight through the feeling-each-other-out stage of friendship.  

Friendships take years to establish.  This might sound very harsh, but nobody can truly get to know another person and all the shades of his or her personality, in the ephemeral time span of an expat contract (unless you’re spending every waking second together, but even then…).  Basically, friendship, the kind that remains intact through all of life’s ups and downs, marriages, babies, divorces, etc., requires a foundation.  And foundation requires time.  When you live a transient expat life, time is not always something you have an abundance of.  Did we only get along because it was slim pickings? Ooooohhh, it sounds harsh.  I know.  But it poses some thought and even more so I think it’s common to befriend certain expats whom you wouldn’t have had anything to do with had you met back home.  Let’s face it, depending on where you live; the expat pool can be a small pool to draw from.  Did our shared experiences abroad deceive us into believing we had more in common than we really did?” This is a depressing thought, but one worth pondering.  As expats, do we merely befriend people out of necessity?  This was never a consideration when I make friends, but now that I have been here for years, it seems that this just maybe the case.  Life gets busy, time moves at great knots and sometimes you just don’t realize that months have passed having not talked or messaged to your departed expat friends.  It does take two to tango, and friendship is always a two way street.  It just makes me a little sad, being a loyal kind of person, that as I try and maintain and expand my new friends here in Kenya, I still lack that ‘great’ friend that will always be there for me.  I sometimes feel isolated, and I just wish that I could transport some of my long time friends here, just for a meal, a drink and a laugh.  We have had a rough six months, financially, and it’s in those times where you really count on friends and I woke up and found that I was lacking that, my whole life, I have always been surrounded by friends, GREAT friends and it is a transition I am still trying to get used to.

There is always an emotional risk to making friends with people who will leave but I believe to experience life fully, it is worth the pain of losing a friend (or loved one for that matter) than to pass through life without friendship.  If you aren’t careful, you could easily be left alone and wondering where the hell everyone went.  I am currently in this transition period, I now find myself without a lot of ‘friends’ as such, and as sad as that sounds, it can be easily fixed.  There are plenty of social events where you can meet new people and I am lucky, that I am now working and gym-ing, and that the loss of my last ‘batch’ of friends has been somewhat cushioned a little, as I find myself busy, especially during the week anyway.  Some people come into your life for a season – and I think that’s a beautiful thing.  During that season, or circumstance, you need that person and you learn a lot from one other.  The older I get, the more comfortable I feel with this realization.  It’s hard to keep in touch with everyone, beyond a superficial Facebook level – really hard.  But the memories made with that person can’t be taken away.  I’m grateful for my expat friends of seasons past because they made my time in Kenya more meaningful and just plain fun.  I hope I did the same for them, wherever they may be. And I certainly didn’t mean to imply that ALL expat friendships are temporary or superficial.  No way!  But I think that every expat can relate to this on some level.  

The biggest thing I have learnt the last 3 years of living in Kenya is to be appreciative. This is applicable on all levels. Be appreciative of the friendships and experiences that you have already experienced, are currently experiencing, and are yet to experience. The nature of the expat experience is that people are always coming and going. The temporariness and the challenge of the expat situation is part of what accelerates the friendship creation and makes it so special.  With all that said, each person I meet, each friendship that I make, to me will always be special.  I have also learnt that if those ‘friends’ decide to not keep in touch once they have left Kenya, that it is their personal choice and I will not take it personally, not anymore.  It sometimes feel that I am back in high school with a few of the friendships that have stopped, for reasons that were beyond my comprehension.  I could understand if I had done something wrong, but when the friendship is cut off, I need to let that friendship go, take it for what it was at the time and move forward.  The first couple of people that left, I was SURE that they were not friendships of convenience, but then people’s actions speak louder than words and I have been sorely disappointed.  I think it means so much more to me as I don’t have real family of my own, my friendships ARE my family, and for one to finish, especially in an expat world was a crushing blow to me.  I think as time goes on, and I am here longer, these friendships will get easier, making of friends and then the saying goodbye as I fit in with the ebb and flow of people coming and going in and out of my life.  It is a very big transition for me, to have these thoughts and to accept them, but I know that I will and those friendships worth keeping will stand the test of time, and those who do not, well not all has been wasted and the memories made with these ‘friends’ cannot be taken and they meant something at the time.  I have so many great memories with so many great people doing so many great things, WHICH cannot be taken from me, even if they decide to take away the friendship. 

One of my favourite quotes seems to be suitable here.

 “How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.” - A.A. Milne.

I couldn’t agree more.