HEADING BACK TO ETHIOPIA

So it is time to head back to a country that I love.  Ethiopia. 

A country that I was calling home for the last 12 months before I was knocked for a six with the break-up with my Ethiopian boyfriend, Zeme, and that threw my whole world into turmoil in October 2012.  It is now time to revisit all that as I head back for 4 days to collect my belongings from Zeme and I am sure that there are things that will be discussed when we see each other and I certainly have some questions of my own that I would like some answers to.

For people that don’t know the story about my relationship with Ethiopia, here is a blog entry that was written on the 16^th October 2012.  It was written with tears and it was heartfelt and it is a little sad to be re-reading it all again after 5 months.  This visit will hopefully be the final closure which I would have thought I needed more than I actually do and to finally get some answers.    

THE GREAT ROMANCE COMES TO AN END-16^th October 2012

How sad.

Zeme and I have parted ways.

I loved 100%

I gave a 100%

So what happened I hear you ask? 

I still love him. 

I honestly thought he was my ‘one’. 

But sometimes no matter how you feel about some-one or something there are some things out of your control that happen that change the course of your future.  Not just in relationships, but work, friends, travel it can be anything.  I have said before that some details are not for the blog and the reasons behind the split will remain between Zeme and I.

But you need to keep people in your life that truly love you, motivate you, encourage you, inspire you, enhance you and make you happy.  If you have people who have NONE of the above.  Let them go.  I had to let Zeme go and it is such a shame when we were so close to starting our life together with my return to Addis in early January. 

So the question people have been asking me is what now? 

What are your plans? 

What will you do now? 

Well now that I am back in control of my own destiny (which feels fantastic) I am going to stick to my original plan and still head to Ethiopia in January.  I was always heading back to Africa well before I met Zeme.  I may have not chosen Ethiopia as my country of choice, but after being there several times now, I love it there.  I feel I can make a real difference, the people are friendly and I think I can still make a life for myself there.  It will just be a bigger challenge not having ‘a loved one’ there to help me adapt.  I am terrified actually.  It is a country where not many people speak English but I have been in touch with my guide from my first trip, Minalu-and he is happy to take me under his wing and he will help me settle in.  So I will not totally be ‘on my own’.  I will then hopefully meet his friends, I will get a job, I will meet more people, make more friends and the circle of life continues.  As my friend Christine told me when I was in LA, if things don’t work out it doesn’t mean I have failed-and she is right.  But if Ethiopia doesn’t fit, I will try Tanzania, Sudan, Kenya…..  until I find somewhere I do fit.  It will happen I know that-I need to have a little patience and that is NOT one of my greatest virtues….  I know-WHO would have thought?

So the breakup has not changed my resolve to help people.  It has not changed my plan to move to Africa.  It is all still go from my end.  What have I got to lose?  And look at what people have to gain…… I will start to find contact details for the charities I saw when we were driving around the country in March and I will touch base with my contact for the UN and see if I can get a foot in the door there as well. But I think my heart lies to work in an orphanage.  I love kids, I would love to give them confidence to tackle a future, be proud of who they are and for me to be a positive role model for them to make a change in their lives.  I think I could do that and how rewarding would that be?  But again no one knows what the future holds and you just need to roll with the punches right.    

Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets.  So, love the people who treat you right, forgive the ones who don’t and believe that everything happens for a reason.  If you get a chance, take it.  If it changes your life, let it.  Nobody said it’d be easy.  They just promised it would be worth it.

At the end of the day both Zeme and I deserve to be happy.  I wish him all the happiness in the world and if that means to be with different people, follow different paths or have different ideas for the future then I call that fate and I am okay to run with that and see where it takes me.  I know I have done everything right from my end and I have now decided to run with my gut and my heart has had to take a back seat on this one after it being the other way around for a long time.   

A broken heart will heal.  This is my life and this is how I now roll. 

Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck.

So I thank everybody for all their kind words, worry and virtual hugs.  If anything this has strengthen my resolve, I will become a stronger person and I am now in charge of ME once again and not reliant on some-one else on what will happen next in MY life.  I can’t believe that I even let it get that far.  I was so desperate in July when Zeme told me I couldn’t come to Ethiopia to live in September.  I was devastated and I think back now and it was quite pathetic.  I don’t know how the Elkins put up with me.  How could I let some-one make me feel like that?  Anyway I am not going to get into details but is super disappointing when I am not even getting return messages-it has been a complete shutdown on his behalf and it makes it difficult for me to get some closure and not even I can answer that question-WHY.  I always knew that firstly long distance relationship’s, suck.  But I thought this was worth it.  Secondly we have a cultural barrier, but I was happy to work through that and lastly the language barrier which was probably the most frustrating for me, but I knew once I moved there and he got better at his English and I learnt Amharic that this would be over-come no problems.  It was a short term issue for me…..

And the last question I know that everyone is thinking is my tattoo that clearly has emblazoned on my left wrist, Zeme.  I still love my tattoo, for what it meant when I got and the way it looks mixed in with my mums tattoo.  What the hell will I do now I hear you ask?  I will leave it for now, but maybe after my move I will go back to the same tattooist in Addis and get him to turn it into something else for me.  After I had Zeme written on my wrist I had an after-thought that it would have been nice to get it written in Amharic as a backup if things didn’t work out there would only be a small amount of people that would know what it said and it still would have looked cool.  Anyway haven’t you people seen LA Ink?  They can change any tattoo into anything.  But that will be down the track as it still symbolizes something to me and is still close to my heart for now. 

You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.  That is where I am now and I need to run full throttle into what life will throw at me next.  This is what I have been dealing with on my own the last 2 weeks and as sad as it is, I feel like a weight has been lifted off me, I can breathe and I can see things again.  It all sounds so prophetic but that is how I feel.  So as I sit at a Burger King in Singapore International Airport writing this, waiting for the check-in counter to open for me to check in for my flight to Nepal, with music in my ears and thoughts of people in a much worse position than me, the least I can do is look up, thank my mum, my travel gods and my friends.  I have my health and I am living the dream.  Smile-as my first tear drops.  Smile for what we had. 

I loved 100%

I gave a 100%

….and I don’t regret a minute of it……

How sad…………….

So that was my ‘breakup’ with a country and also with some-one who meant the world to me.  That same person that I will be seeing tomorrow and I have no idea on what to expect.  I just need to stay strong-I am a stronger person that the one that left Ethiopia in September and I WILL NOT let myself be taken advantage of again.  In saying that Zeme and I will need to both have our say and I am open to this but it will be the aftermath that I am just worried about.  BUT I am so lucky and blessed to have people that care about me from all over the world and I may have lost love once, and to face that again will be a BIG challenge for me.  With that thought I tried to get to sleep with a sad smile on my face for what we had and what Zeme lost.  I loved with all my heart, stayed true to myself and I am going to make every moment in my life count.